
…which is actually numero deux in our ongoing series of Fuck Social Games in the Arse With a Shotgun: a charming sentiment with which you’ll all agree unless you’re a fucking dick, or that species of human crotch-fungus known as a games trade CEO.
Sufficient cuntshit has sprayed from their ovine mouths in recent weeks for us to deduce, beyond even the most unreasonable doubt, where they think the games trade is heading, and the news ain’t good.
Whether or not the games trade actually heads their way is another matter, of course, what with hidden currents of PEOPLE WITH FUCKING TASTE and squalls of gamers WHO HATE FUCKING SOCIAL GAMES. But the course is clearly set, and it’s for three things that will fuck up our shit for good. Oh joy.
Thing 1: Social Games
No surprise at all: scumware, mugware, whatever you want to call it, has seen one interesting (if you’re a masochist) development of late, because Disney – they of that fucking rat fame – have bought social games outfit Playdom for more money ($763m) than the entire social games market earned last year ($639m) – hilariously, only two days after Playdom’s own chief said that social game acquisitions were “slowing down”. But why so much for so little?
Obviously, it’s because the social games market is the new Dutch tulip, the new bubble of the South Seas, and the new dot-com boom, which has been sedulously inflated with gales of hype by every fucking industry whore from games journalists to chief execs for more than a year. It’s going to be worth more than a billion, you know.
Wow. Hollywood must be shitting itself.
But social games are fucking stupid, brightly-coloured and for fucking retards, and that’s also a market in which Disney excels – in its own white-picket-fenced, morality-claused, fairy-tale looting way. And Disney are clever, more’s the pity. They know that social games can’t be sold on their merits as games, because they are CUNT and NOT EVEN GAMES. They’re also fucking mugware, and not even games. Did we say they’re not even games? Because they’re not.
But Disney-branded mugware will sell not because they’re games, but because Disney have been committing Jesuitical practices on children all over the world for the last seventy fucking years. No, not fucking them with their penises, you fucking sicko, but taking the child of seven and all the rest à la Loyola. Disney characters sell stuff. Even Kingdom Fucking Hearts, for chrissakes.
So the game’s merits as a game are irrelevant. Those social gaming millions will flock to Disney’s super-respectable brand like flies to shit. And millions of hitherto not-retarded social gaming noobs will as well.
And instead of flogging real-world toys, they’ll probably be “monetising” Pocahontas and Dumbo in some shitware bollocks that lets you buy all kinds of dressy-uppy bullshit beloved of thumb-sucking adult dolts who will never know that so much sing-song fluffiness simply marks them out as sexually immature fucking sociopaths.
Imagine being choked to death in a candy-floss factory, with all those silicate skeins of spun fucking sugar lacerating your fucking windpipe until you drown in your own syrupy blood. That’s what the inside of their heads is like, along with goo-goo noises because they’ve just seen a new Disney avatar made out of a drawing on a fucking computer screen.
It’s a shame those characters will all be virtual, too, because with real-world toys you could make Pocahontas and Dumbo do some really kinky shit.
Anyhow. With Disney on board, social games will boom, because millions of people are fucking thick cunts. And after Disney raises social games’ reputation from the sewer, how long before DC and Marvel, and every other fucker with an established cartoon brand muscles in on the act?
While we’re on the subject of M&A, videogame retailers GameStop have smelled which way the shit will fall once digital delivery becomes practical (sometime after we’re all dead and rotting), and so have bought Kongregate, that renowned repository of about a dozen good Flash games, and a vast ocean of dire, amateurish poo. GameStop, you see, are manoeuvring to become a digital distributor of… what, casual workplace timewasters, or is this perhaps their first step to take on Steam? Try not to laugh, and instead say, “Bless them,” as patronisingly as possible.
And speaking of tits, we come to – oh look:
Posted by NebulaDog 









