This game rocks. This movie game rocks. A game, based on a movie, rocks. It’s actually well made. I’m choking on my words here. This whole thing is a bit of a shock. The visuals are worthy of Pixar, well almost. It’s funny, colourful and made for those 10 and under. I love it.
Xbox Kinect – An Important Apology
6 September, 2010
Maintaining our one-hundred percent record of correcting our mistakes perfectly voluntarily, and long before anyone else notices them (or can be fucking bothered to tell us), we – the non-synecdoche that is Remedial Waste – offer you, dear loyal readers, an abject and almost completely sincere apology for the information that appeared in the Kinect Factsheet a few weeks back on this grotesque, repellent, not-nearly-as-clever-as-it-thinks-it-is, bile-drenched fucking cuntsite.
It was, and still is, wrong. It was inaccurate and misleading. Sorry.
Its error lay in the suggestion that the moving images captured by Kinect are of a washed-out, blurry, slightly pixellated nature, and also that it would fail to distinguish your arse from your elbow.
Having now done the proper research that we should have in the first place, but which we couldn’t be fucking arsed to undertake, we can now present the fully revised and corrected image that should have gone with the original Factsheet: Read the rest of this entry »
Your base is under attack, in case you give a shit.
30 August, 2010
It’s 1999 all over again.
Oh God. Here we go again. Starcraft is back. Fresh from its total domination of, er, South Korea, where it’s practically the national gaming religion (and you thought North Korea was weird) here comes the fucking sequel, a mere twelve years later.
Blizzard might have added some new stuff, but we’re fucked if we can tell what it is. There’s a campaign that doesn’t even pretend not to be a tutorial for its entire fucking duration. There’s a story in which some stuff happens and about which no one with functioning genitals will care. There’s a multiplayer if you like that kind of thing and therefore have a face like a prolapsed arse. And there there’s some other stuff in the game that’s conspicuously shit. Here’s the worst of it:
Firstly, it’s an RTS. We all know that every single RTS is fucked in its chromosomes, because the whole genre is simply one massive design flaw. The premise of any RTS is to build more stuff than the other guy and swamp him with it. That’s it. Obvious and easy, so in order to make things less fucking dull, they have to add all manner of shit to divert you from your darker purpose.
Multitasking (a myth), spinning plates (a twat’s cliché), firefighting (a management twat’s cliché) or whatever: the entire – and only – gameplay system in an RTS is distraction. That’s the difficulty curve. Fight these guys over here – but oh no, suddenly (yawn) your base is under attack too. There’s no hand-eye skill here like there is in platformers or shooters: the core task is to deal with multiple distractions. There’s another way to describe that: fucking irritating.
Anyone who’s ever had to deal simultaneously with ten workmails and three phone calls from fucking numbskulls who don’t know left from right, with five dickheads trying to messenger you in case you actually give a fuck this week, and all the while trying to get on with your own job knows what this is like. It’s called an office. We don’t like offices because they’re full of people who distract you from either doing work or pretending to. Either way, they’re irritating fucking cunts.
So all RTS games are – both deliberately and on purpose – absolutely fucking irritating, just like work. Starcraft 2 is no different. It’s not a game. It’s a training progamme for being a white-collar shitslave in a viewless corporate bogolith that will drain your most productive years like a vile fucking parasite and spit you out at the other end, aged sixtysomething, as a hollowed out husk, a papery fucking gall of the person you used to be, and convince you until then that you’re engaged in the worthwhile pursuit of some arbitrary and vapid “goal” whose circular and empty logic is that its purpose is its purpose, because it says so.
Starcraft 2 teaches the manner of capitalist life like Ayn Rand sucked rich cunts’ dick. Don’t be shocked if we fail to enjoy the experience.
But the office software disorder of Starcraft 2 extends even futher Read the rest of this entry »
Bring Back Fox-Hunting
23 August, 2010You’ve no doubt heard the news by now: Liam Fox, the Tory incumbent at the Department of Murdering Brown-Skinned Foreigners (But Only When America Lets Us) is the latest cunt-mouthed politician to air his idiot opinions about videogames. But in case you haven’t heard about all this yet, here’s a quick run-down:
The videogame: EA’s reboot of the knackered old Medal of Honor franchise, this time set in Afghanishire. In the campaign, you play the Yanks against Evil Moozlum Talibanijihadis; in the multiplayer, you alternate between the two. The beta was absolutely horrible, so let’s hope DICE sort their act out by October, because the Bad Company 2 multiplayer was really rather not bad.
The plaintiff: Liam Fox, MP, the UK Defence Secretary. In the UK (like the US), “Defence” is a euphemism for killing people. “Liam Fox”, meanwhile, is a euphemism for “political liability”.
The soundbite: “I am disgusted and angry. It’s hard to believe any citizen of our country would wish to buy such a thoroughly un-British game. I would urge retailers to show their support for our armed forces and ban this tasteless product.”
The Thick of It “Nutter” Moment: The Department of Culture, Media and Sport Fun promptly distances itself from Liam “Nutter” Fucks, saying his remarks were “a personal view”. Translation: “Liam Fuckstain has gone way off-message, has made himself look like a total fucking embarrassment. And, er… sorry… Liam who? Never heard of him. Nice weather we’re having lately… And we’re really excited about the #LondonOlympics!!@!LOL!!”
But Liam Fuckstick seems to be forgetting several things about the way the UK works. Read the rest of this entry »
Doctor Freud will see you all now
13 August, 2010
Not that we give a flying cuntfart about such such commercialised bumfuckery as SEO or even how many of you sick bastards actually enjoy this vile shit – especially the gazillion of you who hoped for a picture of a distended fucking arsehole on the KinectickektciktKUNT factsheet – but the actual, real-life search terms that bring you here have long been the subject of idle curiosity for us, mostly out of some dreg-swirling, pub-based amateur psychology.
The list – whose obscene highlights we provide here in no particular order – makes for some strange reading, although the hit-count for the Greatest Word in the English Language™, which is cunt, is hardly a surprise given how liberally we use it. More poetic, in a slightly Baudelairean way, is cunt flower, which is still far less revolting than the biomorphism of Kotick cunt, and all variants thereon. Resident evil 52, of course, suggests an equally horrific nightmare future of terminal sequelitis, while resadent evial 5 implies either booze-typing or total fucking illiteracy.
In answer to the question why is stabbing cunts on battlefield bad, we can reply quite simply that it isn’t. jesus loves u but every1 else thinks ur a sounds like a multiple choice question in the best exam ever, while lonely flower probably shouldn’t come around these parts in case we kick you in the cuntbollocks and steal your lunch money, you twee fuck. Anti casual games deserves a pint, while the implied transsexualism of fucking pussy dicks probably does too, unless they mean something entirely more mundane, in which case say hi to your mum and tell her to get to the clinic.
I think your a cunt is a sentiment we with which we can’t help agreeing, possessively or otherwise. The fact that multiple people searched for sex wee makes us wonder whether they were too embarrassed to search for “great yellow ropes of tramp spunk” like normal people do. To whomsoever googled “fucking powerpoint presentation” (quotation marks and all): get a new job. Candy samples monster cock porn probably wasn’t someone interested in said vintage porn star’s relationship with Richard Feynman, but what a cunt, punching mirror, youre a cunt and cunt bitch suggest that someone ought to call the police because them next-door are at it again. We hope the lack of hentai around these parts proved a bitter disappointment to rose street fighter fuck and that whatever peach cunt was after might never materialise in this reality.
Still with the lonely hearts, fat cock great sense humor should get in touch with disabled cunt and film the results for money. Our belief is beggared by jesus cunt, and shut the fuck up cunt is a sentiment with which we find it hard to comply. Whoever wanted tearful anal fuck videos should seek help immediately or, alternatively, go to iwanttobeavideogamejournalist.com for a wide variety masturbatory aids.
Bravo to assassin’s creed 2 terrible lip sync for actually having eyes and ears connected to the same spinal cord. Still on actual fucking games (and what does that have to do with Remedial Waste?) haters gonna hate modern warfare takes the prize for bleeding fucking obviousness, and is left 4 dead 2 co op fun with stranger really should try alternative dating methods, such as going to prison.
Why are you such a cunt, is, of course, exactly what our mothers have been wondering about us for literally decades. We have no idea what Google thought high heels had to do with us, while apple bashing suggests a new euphemism for self-abuse. Fuck you cunt leads us lastly but neatly to the unexpected but absolutely marvellous odst nazi.
To which we can only say that you’re all fucking weird…
Your Handy, Wipe-Clean Kinect Fact Sheet
8 August, 2010
You’re probably as bored as we are with those endless, dreary arguments in the pub toilet about how the Xbox KinecktikckZOMGcunt will/won’t revolutionise gaming forever and blah blah.
So in that very 21st century spirit of outsourcing proper human contact to a piece of impersonal paper, we proudly present the Remedial Waste Fact Sheet about a certain accessory, in such a size that you can print a copy and hand it to any cunt who even looks like the next word out of their flaccid fucking jowls will begin with the letter K.
Or even better, just screw it up and use it to gag them while you drive them out to the desert with a fucking shovel on the passenger seat.
Disclaimer: the image after the link (which is basically the rest of the above) is COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SAFE FOR WORK. Honest. So with that warning, don’t start whining if your mother catches you fapping your rancid bollocks off over it. And if it gets you fired, don’t bother thanking us. You didn’t want to work for those cunts anyway.
The Truth That Everyone Knows, But Which No One Ever Talks About
24 June, 2010As usual, since everyone else is too chickenshit, too self-interested or just too well-bribed to tell the truth, it falls to Remedial fucking Waste to say the unsayable about the State of the Gaming Nation. Here are a few unpleasant actualités about children, videogames, and censorship.
You might not like them. Especially if you have kids.
For a start, videogame ratings don’t exist to “protect children” or any of that bullshit. Videogame ratings exist only to cover the videogames industry’s arse. PEGI (in Europe), the ESRB (in the States), and similar systems elsewhere in the world, are all government-ratified games industry bodies whose entire raison d’être is that the games trade can hold up self-regulation as proof that they’re responsible corporate citizens, and so disarm whichever dickmouthed politician or tabloid shit-whipper is trying to demonize videogames this week. We have a ratings system, they say, and it works: we don’t sell adult games to kids, end of story. We’re a respectable, God-fearing, family-values industry, so leave us alone.
And for once, they’re telling the truth. In the old days, PEGI’s censor-crew used to be content with a self-assessment form and some samples of the game; these days, they exert much tighter control and demand to see the entire game, presumably also to maintain their status as the One True Church of Censorship. The system exists because mistakes can be catastrophic: the game might have to be recalled, which is cripplingly expensive, or even banned, which is even worse. In really extreme cases there may even be criminal penalties, since PEGI is legally enforceable in seven countries, including – next year – the UK. In any of those events, shit will fly from the CEO downwards, and even politicians will sometimes try to shove their noses into it (Hot Coffee, anyone?). No game publisher wants that. Ever.
Rockstar’s run-ins with the censors are therefore an anomaly: the whole games industry wants to conform to the ratings system, because it’s in their interest to do so. A censorship scandal is almost always a financial and PR disaster, and it also fucks it up for everyone else. But underneath it all lies that other critical desire: apart from mega-selling games, what the whole industry craves more than anything else is respectability, and not just because it hurts their pride not to be taken seriously as Art.
So that’s the nice, cosy setup: the games trade is sober and responsible and respectable, regulates itself like the grown-up industry it is, and wishes sincerely to avoid age-ratings scandals at all costs.
Fine.
Now go and play Modern Warfare 2. Play it online, in any mode – Team Deathmatch, Domination, Sabotage, whatever. Bear in mind that it’s a game which is rated 18 in the UK and M for Mature in the US. Play online for a couple of hours, and count the number of voices that are clearly – and I mean absolutely incontrovertibly – under the age of 14. Child voices: boys. Schoolboys.
When we did that experiment, of the first hundred players we counted about thirty had headsets. The majority of them, nearly twenty or so players, were clearly and incontrovertibly children – all of them boys, who could sing treble in a fucking choir.
To which, so what. It isn’t shocking, except to Daily Heil readers who have also only just discovered that you can find porn on the internet. I’d be more bothered about the fact that youngsters were being fed insane, right-wing, Teabag propaganda from an early age than the fact that they’re playing a gun-happy military shooter that glorifies violence. But that’s the truth that every gamer knows, but which no one wants to talk about:
Children play 18-rated games.
Anyone who’s had to mute the squeaky little bastards on any multiplayer, ever, knows this. And that means the industry knows this. Which means that everybody knows this. But here’s another fact that no one wants to talk about:
There are fucking millions of them.
Nobody knows this for absolute certain, of course, because no one has ever done a scientific head-count, but then again, do we really need to? Think of all the multiplayer games you’ve ever played – all of the ones with a random selection of players. Now think of how many of them didn’t feature some Squeaky Little Bastard, humming to himself, shrieking, taunting, playing fucking shitpop in the background, or even pretending to be all big and clever by calling you “cunt” and “faggot”. Fifty-fifty? A minority? Have you ever wished that all other players were muted by default?
Then you know what we mean. The next blindingly fucking obvious question is this: how the fuck are all these thousands or millions of brats getting hold of grown-up games? Read the rest of this entry »

Posted by Daft 




